Amazing Grace

            I lay on my rack on board the USS Nassau as a Lance Corporal in the Marine Corps Infantry. We had been circling off the coast of Yemen for a few months. Our AC was down, and our berthing quarters (where we slept) fluctuated between 95 and 100 degrees. I, along with a group of about twenty Lance Corporals and PFCs, were affectionately known as “boots,” meaning that we were new to the Corps. “Seniors” (those with a few years and deployments under their belts) dominated us with extra working parties and occasional secret hazing sessions, as was tradition among infantry units. As I lay in my rack, I hated life, but more importantly, I hated Corporal Davis. Earlier that day, it was just me and Corporal Davis in the showers. Davis called over from his shower and asked if he could come over and “f…k” me in my shower. Davis was not homosexual: he just loved domination. I rejected his half-joking, playful offers and finished my shower as quickly as possible.

            Corporal Davis was a tall, muscular (rumors were that he was on roids) NCO in my company who was the unspoken leader behind most hazing sessions. I hated him so badly that as I lay on my rack dreading another day in fear, I prayed for God to judge Corporal Davis. Maybe God would let us into Somalia tomorrow, and Corporal Davis would take one to the chest. I wanted Corporal Davis to die. I must have pled with God for almost an hour to judge this man. The next morning, I went on with my day – working parties, PT, Bible studies – with hardly a thought about last night’s merciless prayer.

            Two years later back home in Camp Lejeune, NC, I came into the office early to find most of my superiors hard at work, exhausted from having pulled an all-nighter. My superiors were preparing to brief the Battalion Commander of a Marine's death and to inform the family. Davis, now a Sergeant, had perished just a few hours ago from a motorcycle accident. Surviving two combat deployments, a MEU, and getting away with numerous hazing sessions without any repercussions from the UCMJ (Uniform Code of Military Justice), Davis died on an obscure curvy road while speeding on his bike. Was this an answer to prayer? Was this just God’s justice? Was this just chance?

           No one will ever be able to convince me that I did not have a part in this man’s death. I hated Davis. Is not hate equally despicable as murder in the sight of God? I know that most counseling would assure me that I had nothing to do with Davis’ death. But sometimes our counseling betrays such naiveté: there is some guilt where cliché phrases are as useless as a squirt gun to a bonfire.

            My guilt expands far beyond this spiritual, first-degree murder. I have lusted for years, a private stress relief that temporarily silences my deepest fears that I am a huge failure at life. I am a control freak, and sometimes my motives are shady. My guilt does not end there, as I have many more urges that would keep church busybodies active for years. I am just one big scandal.

            Coming to terms with all this guilt opens a whole new world of understanding. Embracing the hypocrite in yourself gives you a sort of x-ray vision, because now you instantly identify the scandal and hypocrisy in everyone around you. The hypocrites hate this, because if you are new at using your “x-ray vision,” then you will be innocently reckless. You notice, you speak, and you get pounded. Very soon you understand that the whole world (church members, too) is either equally or almost as scandalous as you are. As you become more skilled with your “x-ray vision,” you have to make a choice: get angry and point out everyone’s hypocrisy en masse; do your best to define tact and implement tactful pleas for transparency and risk being called “angry” by hypocrites refusing to come clean; or shut up and start decorating the outside of your sepulcher as fast as possible.

            Guilt heaped on more guilt as I vacillated among all three choices, sometimes daily. For some time now, I have begun feeling like a fourth grader who is completely exacerbated over a complex math problem that is due in class the next day.

            Funny - at this point in your life, hypocrites come running from all directions in an effort to “help” you with your problems. If you get lucky, a hypocrite or two might come sit down beside you and empathize with you while praising God in almost hysterical joy. Thus a ray of hope: a group of people who embrace the reality that they are a great scandal, living freely in the joy and confidence that not one ounce of their valid guilt has any bearing upon their identity in Another. This group of people is the true Church with Jesus Christ the Head. 

            Jesus Christ pulls me to Himself and introduces me to something new. The black-and-white-word-on-a-page is not new to me, but the reality of the word is. We refer to this word as Grace. As I come to a deeper understanding of this word, I come to realize that I will never be able to fathom all the earth-shattering implications of the word. Grace introduces me to the most beautiful attribute of our Savior, where all my hypocrisy, guilt, and scandal are swallowed up in the wrath of God upon Christ and remembered no more. The consequences of sin are tragic:

Then the earth reeled and rocked;

                        the foundations also of the mountains trembled

                        and quaked, because God was angry.

            Smoke went up from His nostrils,

                        and devouring fire from His mouth;

                        glowing coals flamed forth from Him.

            He bowed the heavens and came down;

                        thick darkness was under His feet.

            He rode on a cherub and flew;

                        He came swiftly on the wings of the wind.

            He made darkness His covering, His canopy around Him,

                        thick clouds dark with water.

            Out of the brightness before Him

                        hailstones and coals of fire broke through His clouds.

           

            The LORD also thundered in the heavens,

                        and the Most High uttered His voice,

                        hailstones and coals of fire.

            And He sent out his arrows and scattered them;

                        He flashed forth lightnings and routed them.

            Then the channels of the sea were seen,

                        and the foundations of the world were laid bare

            at Your rebuke, O LORD,

                        at the blast of the breath of Your nostrils.

The destruction of David’s enemies in Psalm 18 barely holds a candle to the wrath poured out upon Jesus Christ from Heaven. My scandal did this. God the Father attacked Jesus Christ with vicious wrath and thus Christ became my propitiation.

            Where sin abounds, Grace abounds far more. It is and will always be one ounce of sin becoming overwhelmed with a million ounces of Grace. “Grace must raise the temptation to think we can sin as we please; if it does not, we have not understood the true extent of grace” (Derek Thomas). Paul must discourage a mentality of license to sin, because Believers coming to terms with the abounding power of Grace requires it. Grace is so amazing and overwhelming that sin’s vocal chords are torn out forever, never to make a sound but only to move its mouth for the voice-overs of the Great Accuser.

            Grace begs me to grab all this guilt, scandal, lust, murder, and dishonesty – to pick it up and lay it at the feet of Christ on the cross. Grace invites me to stay and watch the filth pile removed. Grace clothes me in righteousness and silences me from ever breathing a hint that the filth pile any longer exists.

            On earth, the guilt and scandal bring earthly consequences as real as the physical consequences of defying gravity. But just as God smiles no less upon the Christ-bought righteousness of a Believer who accidentally falls off a cliff to his death, God smiles no less upon the Believer who meets earthly consequences for his sin. After all, the consequences of infracting against God’s physical and moral laws have no bearing upon what Grace has done in permanently identifying us in Christ. License to sin is truly an improper response, but the power of God (Grace) to overwhelm all sin past, present, and future is that amazing.

            As I lay my guilt, scandal, lust, murder, and dishonesty at the feet of Christ, more sin appears: sins of pride and fear. You see, long before I came to embrace my guilt for all the “nasty stuff,” I lived a life of meticulous spiritual pride and fear of being touched and infected by the “nasty people” doing “nasty stuff.” There exists a middle road of sinlessness, and erring on the side of obvious sin is just as evil as erring on the side of legalistically living extra-carefully. The pious Pharisee, whom my “x-ray vision” has taught me to hate more than any other sinner, is who I truly am deep inside. If I fight to let Grace overwhelm my pride and fear, then I find myself fighting Grace to also overwhelm the “nasty stuff.” It’s all or nothing. I either let Grace abound as it intends to do or I fight Grace on all fronts.

            Christ takes my sin, all of it. He pours Grace upon it all. I look up and around and see throngs of others. Some are “nasty” people like Corporal Davis who victimize others, and I must make room for them next to me at the cross. Some are Pharisees who led many astray in pride and fear, and I must make room for them next to me at the cross. And now God has done what the Law could not do. Grace abounds upon my soul, and I find that almost without my knowledge, Grace has calmed my heart to forgive all mankind for all its hypocrisy and scandal.

For more reading:
Fundamentalism, Make It Stop!
Fundamentalism Breaks the Rules of Organizational Behavior
OCD Theology
A Culture of Protection
An Idolatry of Excellence
The Upside Down Pyramid